Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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