I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
