trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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