She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
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NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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