tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
