Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
