I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
