wrigley field is MILF paradise
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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