And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
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I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
