Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
