At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
