There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
