he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
