this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
