I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
