Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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