So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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