her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
