why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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