There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
