I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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