I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
