Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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