I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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