My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
