So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
