So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
