my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
