im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
