i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
