PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
