I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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