I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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