So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Randomize
