Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
