I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
