btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
