DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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