When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
