I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
