I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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