Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
