i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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