FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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