I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
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So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
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I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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