Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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