he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
