Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
