How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
