just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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