I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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