Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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