I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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