and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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