I can text with my tongue
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
