i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
