Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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