you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
