I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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